just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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