That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
