it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
