Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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