Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
