Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
