If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
