I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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