I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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