just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You work out of a Hotel?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
