I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
