She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
