I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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