I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
