my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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