My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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