3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
