Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
