i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
