I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
