She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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