And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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