my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
