genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
