please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
