Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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