Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
