You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
