On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
