I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
