and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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