I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
