Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
