new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
