I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
