U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
