paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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