I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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