i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
