Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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