I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
