I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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