textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
