he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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