He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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