When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
