the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
