Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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