i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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