My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
